We’ve made it through the first year.
Last weekend on the anniversary we were surrounded by love and I was rarely on my own.
On Saturday we took a drive to the spot where we had scattered Andrew’s ashes in the summer. Mum and Dad have been staying and they came with us.
As I drove along the sun was low in the sky, that winter sun barely hanging above the ever darkening horizon. With the twists and turns of the road I kept flicking the visor up and down to improve visibility. One minute bright sunlight was shining directly into my eyes, the next the landscape was overcast, cloudy and grey. A metaphor for our year with its highs and lows.
I’m getting far more confident now at driving somewhere new or different. I didn’t get phased by the narrow roads and now have the route indelibly etched in my brain. It amuses me that Andrew often took the wrong turn on this journey, despite him knowing this part of the world far better than me and it being one of his favourite places to visit. It makes me smile to realise how self-assured I’ve grown and I like to think he is smiling down at me with pride too.
When we stopped the car we all wandered about looking at the view. We each had a private moment and some minutes of solitude and silence.
I spied a cairn and carefully placed on top was a remembrance poppy on a small wooden cross. On closer inspection there was a name on the cross and the initials R.A.F. written in pencil beneath. On top of the mound of stones was a small heap of tell-tale ash.
As I walked around the beautiful location there were more grey sprinklings. This was the final resting place of more than one soul. This was somewhere loved by lots of people and many much loved people had been laid to rest here. I was comforted that Andrew had not been abandoned all alone, although I had to laugh thinking that he didn’t have the complete peace and solitude he might have craved.
I took my camera with me hoping to take a photo of the view but as it was getting dark the visibility wasn’t so great, but better than last time when it was so spooky. (Read about the day we scattered the ashes here)
The photo I took was of the sun as it descended. It flirted with a low cloud and I took this great shot of the silver lining.
As ever there are song lyrics that fit my mood, my current favourite Lady Antebellum put my feelings into word or at least sing over me the soothing lyrics I need to hear.
Down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on
Every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love
You’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will
Find the strength to rise above
Find out what you’re made of
One Day You Will
I am reminded too of one of my favourite Bible verses - Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love.
He will rejoice over you with singing
Who says the Lady Antebellum lyrics above are not the very words God sings to me? And I believe he sent the silver lining too!